Relationships

I Used To But I Don’t Now

tumblr_mgvx999ctq1s01urto1_500 Everyone has an ex-factor: the first person you think about as soon as you hear the first three seconds of the song by Lauryn Hill. She can’t even sing “it could all be so simple, but you rather make it hard” without you singing along at the top of your lungs – most times with tears in your eyes. You have it blasting, mad as hell because you’re trying to figure out why the hell the person you’d die for is making everything so fucking hard. The connection is there. The bond is there. The friendship is everything but when it comes to the actual relationship, everything is chaos. Everything is dysfunction and nothing is clear. You feel like this is your soulmate but then again, if he/she is…why isn’t it working? Why does it require so much effort? Why is everything a fight? Because your ex-factor isn’t your damn soulmate. Your ex-factor was just the first person to introduce you to the realness of love. Your ex-factor was just the first person to prove to you that love is not all butterflies and cute pictures. & most importantly, your ex-factor is the one who taught you the lessons you’ll need to apply to the relationship with your soulmate.

exfactor

Get the fuck over your ex. Step back and stop fighting for 2 secs. so you can try to figure out exactly what you’re fighting for. Most likely, you’re fighting for the dysfunction, the chaos, and the confusion. I realized that people are addicted to these things because ultimately they ARE drugs. You heard Lauryn Hill when she sang, ‘when it hurts so bad, why does it feel so good?” Your ex-factor was most likely the person who hurt you the most. They hurt you in ways that you never thought they would but i’ll also guess that you loved them in ways you never thought you could. “See no one loves you more than me and no one ever will” might be the best way to describe your resentment towards your ex. How the fuck can someone you love that much play you? disrespect you? Embarrass you? But you’re asking yourself these questions while still holding on to them. You’re still thinking about the person they had potential to be. You’re still daydreaming about the relationship y’all could have had. You’re still obsessing over the life y’all would have created togetherif only shit wasnt so different now. Because, you do feel like things are different now, right?

happy-black-couple

When you first started dating your ex, there was nothing you could do or say that made you feel uncomfortable or embarrassed. There was nothing to hide, nothing to be ashamed of because you were one of the few that actually got to be in love with their best friend. You felt lucky so you gave it all you had. Every ounce of you was invested in your ex-factor because, why not? She’s the one right? He’s your future husband right? There was nothing y’all didn’t talk about: dreams, failures, what you ate for lunch, how you was feeling that day, what momma was up to. Because ultimately that would be your mom too one day, right? You referred to your ex-factor’s parents as yours because y’all had already discussed marriage and you just knew it was set in stone – you couldn’t even picture yourself walking down the aisle with anyone else. You couldn’t even picture looking into another pair of eyes while saying “I do.” Y’all already started coming up with baby names – Jordan if it’s a girl. Nasir if it’s a boy or maybe he’ll be a Jr. since it’s his first boy…but then everything shifted. You started to feel like you were walking on eggshells. The conversations didn’t feel the same. The time spent started to feel like a chore. The “I love you’s” started to sound empty and you began to panic.

DrowningYou was swimming so gracefully only to realize your ex-factor was the only thing holding you up and when he/she decided you was getting too heavy, you was dropped and you lost all control over the situation. Your ex-factor was in control of literally everything and you was just lost in love, unaware that it will all come to an end just because they felt like giving up that day. You wasnt prepared for the sudden change. This sudden wave in the ocean of your love life. You couldn’t breathe, searching for your ex-factor’s hand in all of the chaos, dysfunction, and confusion. Hoping that “this too shall pass.” Searching for your ex-factors hand in the midst of you fucking drowning. Because he was always the one to come running when your world was a mess. She was always the one to pull you up when the ground beneath you was a poor excuse for a foundation. So why aren’t they saving you now? Because saving you means saving what you guys shared and they just no longer believe thats necessary. But who gives a fuck? You lost someone you love and they lost someone who loved them. Who’s really losing? Yes, it hurts but forgive yourself. Yes you kept letting them come back after you promised last time was the last time but forgive yourself. Yes you gave your all and left them in total control but forgive yourself. Yes you sacrificed your happiness and your sanity but forgive yourself. Yes you let your relationship with God fall by the wayside while you put your ex-factor on a pedestal but forgive yourself. Yes you compromised who you are, stooped to levels you never thought you would to make things go back to how they were but forgive yourself. You did the best you could with the tools and knowledge you had at that time. Give yourself credit. If you knew then what you know now, you would have taken your power back a long time ago. You loved and you lost but eventually you have to get to the point in your life where you can confidently say, “I used to love him but I don’t now” and actually be at peace with it. Word to Lauryn.

Ex-Factor (with lyrics) by Lauryn Hill: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sVscQcToUdI


Thanks for reading!

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3 Comment

  1. Reply
    roconia
    February 25, 2015 at 6:35 pm

    Lauryn is love. Nice read! “your ex-factor is the one who taught you the lessons you’ll need to apply to your relationship with your soulmate.” Love that line.

    1. Reply
      candicemccoy420
      June 12, 2015 at 1:33 am

      Thanks for reading!

  2. Reply
    agg
    June 22, 2016 at 6:46 am

    I can’t express how much of a good read this is!!! You honestly dont understand how by reading this has changed my vision of love.

    Honestly keep writing, I wish i read this as soon as you posted it.

    Thank you!

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