I mean, I’ve always heard that one day everything was going to make sense & I’m sure everyone else has also but you hear it so many times that it starts to go through one ear and out of the other. People always tell the next that “one day” they’ll be happy, but eventually it seems like that’s just people’s reflex to sadness. Women are always told that one day their prince charming will come but to them, it’s so hard to pick out a unicorn in a bunch of regular ass horses. But I’m writing this post to tell you that no matter what, please hold on to your “one day.” No matter what I faced. No matter how many times I wanted to give up – one day I was going to be ok. Better than ok. One day I was going to be happy. One day I was going to have a supporting, loving, caring man who had my back no matter what. One day my dreams were going to be more than just dreams. Of course I had those days where I let go of my “one day.” Those days when I stopped believing because my life was just so fucking crazy that it became laughable. But then it crept up on me.
My one day had crept up on me days after I had been contemplating suicide. I was literally about to end my life days before my life was destined to turn around for the better. Crazy thing is, I begged myself to stop while wondering what the fuck had become of me the entire time. “Stop Candice. What the hell are you doing?” You would think there were two people in the room. And for the spiritual people, maybe there was. I thought about my aunt. my favorite cousin. my friends. All of the people who had almost lost me before but I thought about how this time it’d be my fault that they felt that again and I didn’t want them to face that. So I held on to my “one day” and I prayed as hard as I could and felt instant peace. I knew my mom had gotten permission to curse in heaven just so she could curse my dumb ass out. She probably sped up my “one day” process because the road I was going down, I would’ve never seen her again. So I fought. Something in me told me there’s more on my agenda than heartache and heartbreak and I was eager to see what it was.
I made a promise to mommy and God that I wouldn’t try to commit suicide again. I was scared anyway, shit. I thought about how embarrassed I’d be if someone found me dead only to find out that I was the one who did it. I don’t know how I would have been embarrassed lifeless but shit, it came to mind. I thought about how all of my family are in a different state so they would have had to get a call that interrupted their day then turned their world upside down. I thought about how they would probably feel guilty for not being able to stop or save me. So I made that promise then days later God said, “I have a surprise for you.” He laid something on my heart so heavy that I couldn’t help but pay attention to it. It was the door mat to the door of my “one day.” “Go ahead, knock.” I was knocking on the door of opportunity and all I had to do to get there was push through the days before. He laid my purpose on my heart and told me that everything that will not add to it will distract me, hurt me, and/or bore me and I’ve been working at it ever since.
But before he could lay my purpose on my heart, he had to give me someone who’ll put the pieces of my heart back together tightly enough to hold something so precious and priceless. The day I contemplated suicide, I had got into yet another argument with the only man I ever hated. Of course the hate came from the dysfunctional aspect of our love, so I guess I’d consider him my first love as well. Every time we argued, everything that ever hurt me came to the surface and overpowered any type of control over my emotions I thought I had. We’re on bad terms? Damn I miss my mommy. We’re on bad terms? Damn I really have no one on my side. We’re on bad terms? Damn, there’s no point in me finishing school. Everyone I was doing it for is gone. It literally went from being on bad terms with him to contemplating suicide because I had to face all of my harsh realities at once. It was as if they hid behind him and whenever he left, I was forced to face them. So any who, God knew my heart was broken. Heavy. Cold. All of the above. I always had to fight for everything but this time He decided He wouldn’t make me fight and he’ll just let the blessing fall in my lap.
I re-met my boyfriend.
I met him almost four years ago but I was so in love with the first man I ever hated that I didn’t give him a real chance. Eventually I gave up on him and though I was losing hope in love, I still held on to my one day. & because of that…. I was blessed with a real KING. No one I had to turn into a king, no one I had to wait to turn into a king, no one I was hoping was a king. He came with his crown mounted on his head already and all I had to do was let him in. After God put someone in my corner, Im assuming He figured that was the perfect time to reveal my purpose; I’ll know my purpose and I’ll have someone to support it no matter what. Waiting for my one day has not only taught me the importance of a journey and lessons learned but it also taught me that genuine happiness will ALWAYS be worth fighting for.
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