Self-Love

In My Best K. Michelle Voice

First of all, get over your fucking self. Your relationships keep failing. You keep getting your heart broken. You keep going after the same situations. You keep feeling like shit at the end. Why does love keep preying on you? Why does love keep making a fool out of you? Why does love keep getting your hopes high then letting you down? Things like thinking everyone you love will love you back or looking for self-love in someone else, or even thinking love is a one size fits all will have love constantly drag you and drag you until your flesh is on fire and your spirit is empty. To get love on your side you have to first start with forgiving yourself. Isn’t is crazy how we’re more quick to forgive someone else before we forgive ourselves? We can forgive aint shit people after a few sorry’s and I won’t do it again’s yet constantly beat ourselves over the head with a bat made out of shoulda, woulda, and coulda’s. You did the best you could with what you had and what you knew at that time. If you knew then what you know now, you would have made different choices. Don’t be your own worst enemy. Love preys on those who are still holding themselves accountable for what they think they added to the failure of the relationship because it means they’re stuck in the past. Because most people don’t let go of a situation that they still feel like could have gone differently, those who haven’t forgiven themselves are still stuck in a situation calling it love but nothing feels good about it. image

Have you ever noticed that the same love that tore you to pieces and sent you to therapy is the same love that built another person up and brought the best out of them? People will say that has nothing to do with you, but that has everything to do with you; it simply means that love wasnt MADE for you. It’s like trying on a shoe: it doesn’t fit you but you force your foot in and every time you wear it you’re uncomfortable & in pain but as soon as you leave it alone, you no longer feel the discomfort or the pain. However, your cousin comes over and wears it and it fits her perfectly and she doesn’t feel ANY of the pain that it caused you…. IT’S THE SAME DAMN SHOE though. You have to look at love lost the same way. Until you realize that everyone you love will not and isn’t supposed to love you back, you will always be love’s prey. Love will continue to hunt you down and kill your happiness, spirit and sanity until you change your approach to it. Love always catches you off guard with your nose wide open because you feel so entitled. Your ego is steady asking, “who is he/she NOT to love me? look what the fuck I do for them?” and you keep forcing it like that small ass shoe. It’s almost like saying you love the way you do simply to have love returned and honestly, that’s not love at all. Love is there in spite of everything. If you only love a person when they’re loving you back, you’re not in love and you have no clue what love is which is why it hurts so bad every single time. For some reason people believe that in order to make a relationship work, all it takes is two people that are in love. They totally forget that love is not a one size fits all; it comes in all different shapes and sizes. Yeah, we’re both “in love” but we’re loving in two different (& maybe even totally opposite) ways. You have to find someone who loves the way you do.image

God didn’t create you solely for your partner; that wasn’t your only purpose on Earth. He didn’t train you and mold you to love the way your partner wants to be because if that was the case, compromise wouldn’t be such a key factor in relationships. You have to adapt to people, the situations that has made them who they are, the family that they come from, and the way that they think. & because everyone doesn’t think like you, everyone will not love like you. I learned this the hard way. Like all my other lessons. The yell-at-him-cuss-him-out-cry-send-long-paragraphs way. I just couldn’t figure out why it was so damn hard for him to ACT right. Not to toot my own horn but beep beep bitch I was a GREAT woman to him. I didn’t learn until after the fact that he loved me – we were just reading the definition of love from two different editions of the dictionary. My love was patient and kind and shit, word to Jhene Aiko and his was the same but it came with conditions. I loved someone that turned me into a quitter. I’ve been a fighter my whole life. I was born early because I fought to see the world earlier than I was supposed to. I’m alive today because I fought for my life as I was laying in a driveway at 17. I’m wise because I fought through all of the bullshit to get the lesson at the end. But when I tried to fight for my relationship, he turned me into a quitter in the process. I was confused and I wanted to be the fighter I had always been but I was so overwhelmed and drained that even my heart was actually agreeing with me this time. I wanted to quit everything when we weren’t happy. School, him, and myself included. I remember when I checked myself into the psychiatric ward at my university’s hospital (leave your judgments at the door). It was valentines day weekend, sophomore year at Howard and at this point the fighter in me had died and the quitter in me had reared it’s ugly head. I wanted to quit my life because ” WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO TO DESERVE A BITCH ASS NIGGA RIGHT AFTER MY MOM DIED. FUCK HIM. FUCK EVERYTHING. GOD CLEARLY HATES ME. WHY WOULD HE DO THIS TO ME” or something close to that. I had literally felt like God was being mean to me or He had forgotten about me. He had forgotten to replace what he had taken away from me and it was driving me crazy. Here I was loving a man so hard and so deep that you would think I was trying to put him in the place of my mother. I had put Him on a pedestal so high he was singing melodies with Jesus.

 choir

In my best K. Michelle voice, “why didn’t mother tell me they’ll take the best of me then leave the rest of me?” Granted, Drake might love you like K. Michelle claims but you’re no K. Michelle & the guy you’re in love with is the furthest thing from Drake. He’s actually becoming the person you wish your mom would have warned you about. She didn’t tell you he’ll be your superman in the beginning but you won’t even be able to recognize him in the end. No one told you the girl who you thought would ride for you would leave you when your dreams were taking too long to come true and you could no longer afford date nights.

 yes, even if their words are saying otherwise. She can tell you she’s down for you all day but leaving you because you rather invest in your future than dates every Saturday is showing you she isn’t for you. She’s for someone who’s already where they worked hard to be and that’s completely fine; pass him the shoe because it doesn’t fit you. He can tell you he loves you all day but doing and saying things to make you feel insecure is showing you he isn’t for you. He’s for someone who’s self-love is through the roof and whose confidence can’t be broken; you’re still on the journey to get there. Pass her the heels because they don’t fit you. All you have to do is find you some that doesn’t require you to force anything.

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