The only thing worse than loving someone who doesn’t love you is loving someone who loves you but doesn’t know how. I say it’s worse because it’s selfish as hell. Someone who doesn’t know HOW to love you is just them telling you they haven’t taken the time out to really listen to you when you talk about your needs or paid attention to your wants or addressed your attitude, way of thinking, and personality. They haven’t taken the time out to really get to know YOU. They don’t know HOW to love you because they haven’t put in the time to figure you out. They don’t know what to say when you feel like you’re about to give up on your dreams because they don’t know how much they mean to you. They don’t know what to say when you miss a certain deceased family member because they don’t know how bad it hurts you. They don’t know what to say when you’re upset about not getting that job because they don’t understand how passionate you are about it. They love you for the shit that’s on the surface: you’re cute, funny, have style, and a go-getter. The secret about love: it’s the easiest thing to fall into. It’s easy for someone to become the first person you think about when you wake up. It’s easy for you to want the best for someone. It’s easy for you to always want to be around someone. But what most “lovers” don’t tell you is that learning HOW to love someone based on who they are and what they stand for is hard as hell.
Most people consider themselves a lover. “I love hard.” “I don’t fall easily but when I do,..” “If I love you, I’m going to always love you” and all the other shit that most lovers say. But ask 50 of them why their last relationship didn’t last; 46 of them are going to say, “just a little miscommunication I guess.” What is there to miscommunicate about if we know each other like the back of our hands? At this point, we should even have the body languages to a T. But that’s the thing, people don’t take the time out to LEARN their partner. They want the baby ass, social media, cute-pictures-on-IG relationship instead of the one that consist of real fucking time and effort. When you ask your girl what’s wrong and she says “nothing” and your selfish ass goes back to playing 2K because you really think it’s “nothing” then you haven’t figured out how to love her because if you did you would know that it takes a little extra effort to get her to say exactly what’s on her mind. When your man asks you what’s wrong and you say, “nothing” knowing damn well you’re mad that date nights have become nonexistent and his boys come over way too much? Then you haven’t met him halfway with figuring you out. Yes, figure your partner out but also leave room for them to figure you out as well. I know, girls love guys who can read minds but unfortunately we aint there yet baby girl. Even in 2015.
I hate saying things like “this generation” but we really do fucking suck when it comes to putting in the time to reap the benefits. We want everything NOW like a damn JG Wentworth commercial. We have to get rich…quick. Fall in love…quick. Be settled in our career…quick. Anything that lasts a while was not built in a day. Anything that was built in a day, I don’t want any parts because the foundation is shitty. I always talk about my first love on here because somehow 90% of my lessons came from that one relationship. But we’ve known each other since 6th grade and know each other like the back of our hands. Do you know how much TIME that is? The way we know each other and understand each other cannot happen in the first 6 months and trust me, I was far from an open book with him. Which is why the time and effort is so important. It’s cool having someone who loves you and wants to be around you all the time and see you do good but it’s 1000000 x’s better when you have someone who loves you and knows how to love you. Love someone who takes your uniqueness into consideration when loving you. Love someone who FEELS your mood changes. Love someone who knows what you’re going to say before you even say it. Love someone who knows your style. Love someone who knows you in and out. I believe that there’s levels to love, but loving someone who knows exactly how to love you when you’re mad, sad, happy, broke, rich, fat, or skinny is the ultimate level.
But let’s say you have taken the time to figure your partner out. You know when they’re mad, sad, or happy without them even opening their mouth. You know what shirt they’ll throw on with those jeans you peeped for them at the mall. You know what to say when they’re having a rough day and you know when to give them space. The problem is, you’re like that with everyone. As I explained in one of my previous posts, love is not a one size fits all. The shit that worked for your ex may or may not work for your new partner. It takes 2 days of alone time for your new baé to get over the things that were said in an argument while it only took your ex 5 minutes to be back up under you. That doesn’t necessarily mean your ex loved you more, that’s just the way he/she thought love should go. I’m a lover who doesn’t know how to love simply because I don’t take the time out to love people on an individual basis. If I love you, I want the best for you. I’m going to push you. I’m going to encourage you.
I’m going to be by your side cheering you on. Who’s to say every guy I meet is going to want me to be there every step of the way? Who’s to say they won’t feel like less than a man? It’s important that we all put in the time and effort and get to know the person we claim to love. Know what they need, not what YOU think they need. So even on those hard days, and those days where both of you just want to walk away from it all, you’ll know exactly what to do or say to realize why you guys are there in the first place.
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