Everyone is learning how to love themselves. From drinking more water to getting rid of toxic relationships, it seems as though everyone is somewhere on their self-love journey and I’m just praying that it’s not for retweets. The self-love journey is an interesting one. A constant, never-ending, interesting journey. Most people don’t know that you will reach self-love more than once and in order to reach it more than once, you have to understand that you will lack it more than once. It took me about 21 years to fall in love with myself for the first time. Before my journey and situations that confirmed my lack of self-love, I thought it was impossible to not love yourself. I thought it was one of those things that came with a birth date. But there was no better feeling than when I first discovered self-love. It was refreshing. It was enlightening. It was freedom. Now, however, it seems as though I’m back on this journey. No one told me that I wouldn’t always be on a self-love high. That eventually it would wear off if I didn’t put it to good use everyday. That the people who were in my life before I loved myself would find their way back if I wasn’t careful. That the things I battled with before I loved myself would creep back into my heart and mind if I didn’t protect the two. No one told me that self-love was a conscious decision. A choice that you have to wake up and choose everyday or else you’ll slip back into your head of doubt, worry, feelings of inadequacy, etc.
Ever since I fell in love with myself the first time, I always prided myself on believing in myself. Knowing my worth. Not settling for less than I deserve and other self-love driven shit like that. But
I cannot give myself the same amount of love that was enough at 20 years old. I cannot give myself the same amount of love that was enough before I knew my purpose. The more that I know about myself and my capabilities, the more love I am required to give…to myself. That gap is the most crucial place because you can easily go back to square one if you do not recognize the opportunity to grow. I am currently in a state of growth, which is why my self-love is in limbo as of now. Out of fear and/or just plain ol’ ego, I have not accepted the fact that the amount of self-love I have now will not be enough to sustain me in my next chapter. I may sound crazy and you’re probably reading this like, “huh? what is she talking about?” Let me break it down.
The job you had last year gave you the means to have an apartment full of furniture. You have all your nice, expensive shit and the space is fully decorated. A new job is offering you the means to have a bigger apartment or maybe even move into a house so you plan on finding one of the two soon. Will the furniture that you have now be enough to fully decorate your new spot? No. You had enough for that specific house at that specific time. However, it’s time to add more because it requires more. I am currently in a house full of furniture preparing for a bigger house but haven’t taken the time to get the extra things that it will require in order to be fully decorated. It’s not that I’m too stubborn to do what’s required for my next chapter, I haven’t figured out the next steps in my self-love journey. This leads me to my next point: I’ve begin to relapse, or at least that’s how it feels. I’ve let it get to a point where it’s do or die. Where it’s “old things from pre-self love journey are creeping back into my life and making me feel as though I never started one in the first place.”
So what do you do when you feel yourself relapsing on your self-love journey? What do you do when you start to deal with the things you said you’d never deal with again? What do you do when you know you love yourself but then you begin to question it because old problems and/or problematic people are creeping back into your space? You first realize that it’s a test. Just like any test, your next steps will determine if you pass or fail. Secondly, you don’t feed into the thought that you don’t love yourself because you do. The fact that you even began this self-love journey shows how much you care about yourself. It’s not that you don’t love yourself, you’re just entering the preparation phase that you will need to get through before you can receive and enjoy all of the things you prayed for. Think about it. If you’ve been praying that God helps you financially then you’re going to have to pass financial tests before you can get that blessing. Your money will get low. You will have to learn how to save, budget, and eat noodles instead of Ruth’s Chris. If you’ve been praying for a healthy relationship, you’re going to have to pass love-related tests before you can get that blessing. When your aint shit ex pops back up and you entertain him/her, it’s not because you don’t love yourself. It’s because God is testing you to see if you’re truly ready to move into a bigger home because he knows it will require a lot more. Now I won’t lie to you: yes, you’re failing the test if you’re entertaining the same person that probably made you want to start a self love journey anyway. However, the point of this post was to help you figure out what’s really going on during a “self-love relapse.” The goal is to FOCUS on the amount of love you’ve acquired for yourself since beginning your journey and using that to push through the preparation phase. If you wasn’t in a period of transition, you wouldn’t be feeling like this in the first place. Things are about to change. It’s time to do everything that’s required of us to receive all of the things we’ve prayed for, including remembering why we started this journey in the first place.
Thanks for reading!