Friends with benefits. Oh what a messy situation! Are these things ever successful? Is it really possible to indulge in something so intimate yet walk away with no strings attached? Do the people who claim they only want a friend with benefits really want a friend with benefits or are they just settling because a piece of a person is better than nothing at all? Once upon a time, I was friend’s with a girl who was love’s biggest fan. She loved hard and would have done anything for you if you had her heart. Her love was genuine, pure, and authentic but after loving someone who didn’t offer the same kind of love back, you couldn’t tie her down if you tied her down. She started to always end up in situations that didn’t make it past “we’re friends who have sex.” She either only wanted sex or she wanted more from a person who she originally told she only wanted sex. Here’s a few reasons why people always end up the friend with benefits even during the times they don’t actually want to be:
They haven’t decided what they really want.
It’s easy to get caught up in messy situations when you aren’t 100% sure of what you want. You have to make up in your mind what your goal is BEFORE you go out into the dating field. You can’t agree to be FWBs then try to slide your heart in later and get mad that you didn’t get the response you were looking for. If you just want sex, go play in the field for just sex. If you want a relationship, go play in the field with those looking for a relationship. However, there’s not enough room on each team for you to try to play on both.
They haven’t discovered what else they have to offer.
Good sex isn’t that hard to get but for some reason, people think they have it all just because they’re good in bed. Are you a good listener? Can I talk to you about my day or are you going to stare at my tits while I’m talking? Are you a provider? Can you make my life a little less expensive or are you just going to ask me if I’m wearing any panties? You probably have great head but do you have great credit?
They haven’t made it clear that they want more than sex.
In order to get different results, you have to do different things. When you weren’t interested in having a relationship, you had sex with whoever you wanted to have sex with. You didn’t care if she would make a good mother, wife, or partner. You didn’t care if he had kids, ambition, or goals because all you wanted was the sex. However, when you’re ready to commit your actions have to prove that. Even if you aren’t talking to someone, you’ll start getting into the mindset of a bf/gf so you’ll cut back on entertaining people just because they’re something to do. You’ll start to up your standards and cut back on people you’re “just having sex with” because now you’re looking for someone you actually want to commit to.
They let other people determine what they will bring to their table.
This ties into #1 because if you haven’t decided what you really want, you don’t know what to demand from the people trying to be apart of your world. You don’t demand anything or your demands are inconsistent so people give you what they want to give you. You didn’t really want a FWB but you didn’t make it clear that you weren’t down so now you’re stuck in a situation that you realize you never really wanted. The sex is good though and you guys have fun together so you gave up on trying to demand more than what they brought to your table.
They’re scared of falling in love again.
Being a friend with benefits helps you stay afloat. It allows you to not get so carried away in him/her. It allows you to have a wall up so when they do fuck up you can say, “I knew he/she wasn’t shit.” Not realizing that you expected that person to fuck up from the beginning so you never really gave them a chance. If you don’t allow yourself to fall, you won’t. To keep from doing such a horrific thing, you only allow yourself to go as far as no strings attached. You like him/her but this keeps your emotions in tact and keeps you in control of the situation.
If you want to be more than just the friend they’re having sex with, make it known and stick to your word. Don’t be cool with it today, give them ultimatums tomorrow then cool with it again next week. If a relationship is what you really want and they’re not trying to be in one then you guys are playing in two different fields.
Thanks for reading!