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9 Reasons Holding Out On Sex Won’t Get You The Relationship


You’re automatically basing the relationship on sex.

Thanks to the ego, men love a challenge and men love conquering that challenge. When you hold out on sex, his only goal becomes to get the one thing you’re holding out on – your vagina. It becomes less about getting to know you and more about conquering the challenge you’ve put before him.

The title becomes just a title.

If “no, we can’t have sex unless you’re my boyfriend” still rolls off your tongue after 2o 1/2 years of age then he will only give you a title to be able to have all access to you. Trying to establish a real bond will no longer matter. No, I’m not saying have sex with him as soon as you meet him to get it out of the way, but I am saying you shouldn’t dangle it in his face like a piece of candy every chance you get to get him to be in a relationship with you. He’s going to do whatever you require in order to accomplish his mission. That includes giving you a title he couldn’t care less about.

Are you seriously still acting like you don’t want sex just as much as he does?

It seems like as soon as the night struck 12 on our 22nd birthdays, our vaginas woke up and realized, “hey, I actually really enjoy sex too.” You’re no longer a teen, you’re over the whole being 21 thing, and now you’re considered a grown ass woman and your vagina knows it. Not only does she know it, your potential boo isn’t slow; he knows you want sex just as much as he does. With that being said, you holding out solely as a way to get a commitment might be a sign of immaturity to him.

You might also have some self-esteem issues.

The best thing you have to offer sits in between your legs. No? So why are you so scared of his post-sex actions? Are you worried that he may never call again? Or worse, you’re worried what he’ll think about you. Confident women don’t need men to validate them. If you’re so worried about losing him after sex, it’s because you was expecting him to tell you who you are. Because for some reason, you haven’t made up in your mind who you are and that the only opinion of you that matter is the one you have for yourself. You have to keep your vagina locked away because otherwise he won’t find you pretty, intelligent, funny, etc. Because there’s no possible way that he could ever see you as that if you have sex with him, right? Got it! You mean to tell me that genuine traits about you suddenly vanish after sex? If you’re actually pretty, you’re still going to be pretty. If you’re actually smart, you’re still going to be smart. If you can actually add a valuable two cents to a conversation about the prison industrial complex then you will still be able to add those same two cents after sex. Oh, and he will still laugh at your jokes if you’re actually funny.

What you won’t do, another one is already doing.

He’s having sex with someone else. I hate to be the bearer of bad news but do you really think he’s not having sex with someone else in the meantime? Not having sex with someone else would be him being loyal to you. Don’t shoot the messenger, but guys in their 20s barely know how to be loyal to a girl they’re in a relationship with, you think he’s about to be loyal to a girl he’s just texting and going to the movies with sometimes? Um, hello! What you’re holding out on is literally something any other girl can offer him, and he’s been taking them up on their offers. Granted, having sex with him doesn’t mean he’ll only be having sex with you. The point is, he’s just killing time until you decide you’re ready. He’s not taking your rule seriously if he knows you’re doing it for HIM and not YOU.

You’re not letting things happen naturally.

You’re not a robot, sex is natural, and you know exactly what sexual chemistry feels like. If you’re not that sexually attracted to him or him touching you doesn’t make you feel any different then of course don’t do it. However, if you like him & he likes you AND him even looking at you or touching you makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside? Don’t let the relationship be based on sex and let it happen whenever you feel is the right time. I said feel. I didn’t say whenever you count down to the right time.

Everyone’s love story is different.

Because every man and woman is different. You would think people would make their specific relationship goals and standards based on the person they’re trying to be in a relationship with. Nope. A lot of people would rather look at the couple next to them and base their relationship off theirs. What may have worked for one couple may or may not work for you and yours. Sex in the early stages might have hurt their bond while it helped yours.

You’re trying to stand out yet you’re fitting right in.

All girls hold out on sex. I’m sure as soon as you finished letting, “we can’t have sex unless you’re my boyfriend” roll off your tongue, he tuned out. He’s heard it 1000 times. He’s been in month old relationships because of it. He’s been in relationships where he didn’t know shit about her because of it. He’s been in relationships where all they did was have sex because of it. You’re trying to stand out and seem like the good girl instead of being yourself. It doesn’t matter what he THINKS about you; it only matters how you act. Believe it or not, having sex doesn’t make you a hoe ladies. It makes you human. You can have sex before the relationship and he can still think you’re the dopest girl he’s ever met. Because again, your qualities don’t fade after sex – who you are is who you will still be.

Sex isn’t that fucking serious to men.

The woman determines how big of a role sex plays in the relationship because it’s not that serious to a lot of men. It’s not this euphoric, spiritual, emotional thing to them like it is to women. In their eyes, and because you guys aren’t in a relationship (let alone in love) it’s just sex. Nothing more. Nothing less. If you’re bringing something magical to the table, he’s still going to like you regardless. Why would he stop talking to the girl he like because she liked him enough to have sex with him?


Holding out on sex won’t get you the relationship because any relationship based on when you had sex is a relationship that’s not worth being in. At the end of the day, who you are, what you bring to the table, what makes you stand out is what will determine your relationship status. In other words, if you know you can still change his life whether you have sex in the beginning stages or not, let that be what your relationship is based on instead of if he made you cum now or later. Hold out on sex because you WANT to, not because you think it’ll make him like you more. 

Thanks for reading!

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3 Comment

  1. Reply
    July 19, 2016 at 10:52 pm

    This entire article is horrible. If it is natural for a woman (and healthy) to want a commitment before having sex, she has every right to request that. I have tried it both ways and I actually would prefer to be married before the next time I have sex with a man. If a man is so dumb that he tunes me out when I say I am choosing celibacy, then I don’t want his wack ass anyways. Women have been fed this lie on how we need to behave now to get a man and it doesn’t have to be the case. Ladies! You can win a mans heart with your personality alone. Trust me, I’ve done it numerous times. Stick to your guns. If it doesn’t FEEL right then it’s probably not. Sex is sooooo easy to get these days, I’m not ashamed of saying N-O. If you want sex call up the girl who wants to have sex with you. If you want a loyal, compassionate, supportive, loving, wife, girlfriend, lover. Get past your Carnal pleasures. Never be ashamed for having morals and values. And never accept the lie that we need to have sex because it’s not that big a deal. It’s a big deal that people have lost the value of. Don’t believe the hype!

    1. Reply
      July 19, 2016 at 10:57 pm

      “Women have been fed this lie on how we need to behave now to get a man and it doesn’t have to be the case. Ladies! You can win a mans heart with your personality alone.” – I know. That’s the entire point of the article.

  2. Reply
    May 4, 2017 at 5:48 pm

    Totally agree with Sakeenah above.
    Girls, if you want sex and if you are ok with no strings attached type of sex, go ahead enjoy sex with whomever you feel like it. I don’t judge them.

    However, the girls who feel shit after no strings attached sex, then please don’t. I’ve had one night stand or a casual sex and I felt so bad and felt confused after. That’s why I decide not to have sex unless he is my boyfriend. Holding out sex won’t get you a relationship, but giving out sex won’t get you a relationship either. You just do whatever you feel comfortable and good.

    Sex is important but not everything in the relationship. Guys who walk away just because his date won’t give it in, then please let them go. They are not worth your time or energy. If he truly wants to build a relationship with you, he will commit because certainly he doesn’t want you to look at other guys. The reason why he doesn’t commit to you is because you are just OK. You are not either that great to commit or that bad to walk away. So chances are once he has sex, he will look for someone better and keep you on the side to continue to have sex. It applies to girls, too. Some girls don’t commit to guys, but they just keep dating them because they are just not that great to be her boyfriend, but they are ok enough to keep dating until they find someone better.

    At one point, people need to learn lessons. It’s like you don’t study, then you don’t get a good grade. If you are fine with it, don’t study. If you will regret not getting a good grade, you’d better study and earn it. The same thing applies to sex. If you love having sex and feel good, then do it. If not, you shouldn’t be forced to have sex no matter what.

    Guys often think that girls are holding out sex for a commitment, which is NOT true at all. We just don’t want to sleep with a guy whom we don’t care. We feel the best when we have sex with someone we deeply in love with and feel safe. If you don’t want a girl like that, please be honest about it up front before the first date. I’ve seen the guys who say they are totally ok with it, but after a few dates, they think they can have sex with me. I am like WTF. They totally wasted my time since I told them even before the first date that I will only have sex with my boyfriend.

    A Side note: there are some delusional guys who think they are in control of the situation where it’s up to them that we will have a committed relationship. Sometimes, we just don’t want you to be our boyfriend… because we are just not compatible… so please don’t think that if you say yes to “boyfriend/girlfriend”, we will automatically accept it.

    And please please please get a condom or something. STD is real and HIV is also very real. Herpes last forever.

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