How To Find A Good Man If Your Dad Never Taught You

“Boo-hoo, sad story; Black-American Dad story.” – Drake

When you think of a girl with daddy issues, sugar babies and premium snapchat accounts probably come to mind. Most of us have been taught that daddy issues manifest into promiscuity and looking for love in all the wrong places. While that may be true for some women, daddy issues could simply show up as not knowing how to choose the right guy; not having the blueprint for how a man should treat you; not knowing how to treat or talk to a man; taking a man’s kindness for interest; being oblivious to red flags. It took finally having a roster of good men to realize “daddy issues” weren’t last on the list of things that contributed to the demise of my previous relationships. From disrespecting my partner to not knowing how to choose, I could’ve spared a lot of feelings (mine included) had my father been there to teach me about the whole partnership thing. But with trial, error and positive men in my life, I can now spot a good man from a mile away – even in my father’s absence.

Here’s what your dad didn’t teach you:

How To Choose The Right Guy

Choosing a good man starts and ends with choosing YOURSELF. The guy you entertain is a direct reflection of how you have decided to honor who you are, what you need, and what you want. So in order for this to be successful, you’d have to know these 3 things beforehand. It takes practice and you may not always get it right! However, it gets easier when you decide on your non-negotiables. Today, make a list of your non-negotiables. These will serve as your personal standards, no matter how fine, educated or established he is. Example: I don’t care how fine, educated or established a man is if he has a baby mother.

How To Create Boundaries

When you meet a guy you like, it’s easy to get carried away by your feelings. You begin to overcompensate because you think he’s the one. He may need a “little work” but it’s nothing Captain Save-A-Man [insert your name here] can’t handle. A car in your name and two threesomes later, you finally realize that you’ve been giving away way too much while receiving way too little. If you usually feel drained in your relationships, it’s because you lack boundaries. You create boundaries for a man by holding him accountable and creating consequences for his actions. But just like choosing the right guy, creating boundaries also take practice so don’t overthink it. “I don’t feel comfortable coming to your house but I would love to go see a movie with you” is a boundary. If he persists, not responding is a consequence for overstepping that boundary. However, a good man will always respect the boundaries you’ve put in place. Today, think of a time you lacked boundaries and the consequences *you* faced because of it.

How To Know When A Man Is Interested

Having standards is important because it stops you from giving out unnecessary brownie points to the men who aren’t interested enough. In addition to the situations I mentioned, daddy issues can also show up as falling too fast and for no real reason. Look at standards as boundaries you’ve placed on yourself. “Him being consistent is not a good enough reason for me to put all of my eggs in his basket” is a boundary. Getting played is a consequence for overstepping that boundary. There are certain things a man is SUPPOSED to do whether he likes you or not. He’s supposed to be a gentleman, have manners, offer to help with your bags, etc. Granted, some men may only do these things for the women they actually like but guess what? That’s a damn good reason NOT to date them because guess what he’s going to stop doing when he gets comfy? Think of it as the equivalent of telling a dark skin woman, “I don’t usually like dark skin girls but I like you.” You only give a man brownie points when he goes above and beyond because that is the only time he’s truly interested! A good man meets all of your non-negotiables and goes beyond that. Example: If he’s God-fearing but also takes you to his church on Sunday. If he has a plan for his future but also offers to help you with a few of your goals. If he’s a good listener but also remembers the little things about you. Is the man you’re interested in interested enough?

How To Communicate With A Man

Grown women don’t “NEED” anything from a man. We want it and we’re only going to ask 1-3 times. A man who cares about you will damn near do anything you ask of him. If he doesn’t, it’s simply because you’re not communicating your needs correctly. The way I communicate with men changed completely after I read Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. I learned that in order to get what I need without appearing “needy” (rolls eyes), I had to change my approach. Here’s how: 1. Replace “can you?” with “would you?” 2. Motivate him through appreciation and the confidence that he’ll make it happen. 3. Resist the need to explain your needsExample: “Would you help me with ___? I keep trying and it’s not working and it’s stressing me out. If I don’t do it today, I’ll be behind. Please just help me babe!” Meanwhile, a simple “would you help me?” would’ve done the trick. Remember that a good man will do it even if he doesn’t want to simply because he cares about you; there’s no need to try to convince him. Today, think of one way you miscommunicated your needs or feelings. What were the results of that conversation?

How A Man Should Treat You

If your father never told you, I want to be the first to let you know that you are worth far more than rubies and deserve to be praised. Praise is the expression of approval or admiration for someone or something. A good man makes his thoughts and feelings about you known through his words AND actions. The way he treats you is always a direct reflection of how he claims to feel about you. He respects your boundaries because he respects you. He spends time with you because he likes you. He shows up when you need him because he cares about you. “But he had a hard time growing up. His abusive daddy didn’t let him express himself.” In that case, you should be allowing him to do some self-work and he doesn’t need you for that! You are here to complement and be praised, not to cure the emotionally unavailable. Whatever gets in the way of him expressing his admiration through words and actions is a red flag. Today, write a list of red flags you’ve overlooked in the past. Did it get better down the line?

You see? Daddy issues just mean you need a little more practice, not that there isn’t a perfect love out there with your name on it.

Thanks for reading!

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1 Comment

  1. Reply
    January 9, 2019 at 12:47 am

    Very good read. I loved it

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