Dear fatherless child,
The older you get, the more painful it becomes. When you start to accomplish major things like graduating from college, having a kid, getting married, etc. it’ll hurt a lot more that the person who helped create you isn’t there to witness it. You’ll become angry, you’ll wonder why, you might even blame yourself. But dear fatherless child, you are good enough. You don’t have to be daddy’s little princess to be a princess. You don’t have to be daddy’s little man to be the man. You would have made the best son. You would have made the best daughter. You would have made straight A’s to put on the refrigerator. You would have had the house clean when he got home. You would have helped him wash the car. You would have made sure your friends were quiet when he had to get up to go to work in the morning. You would have had his back when mommy was mad at him. You would have given him so much to be proud of. But dear fatherless child, the person you should always aim to make proud is yourself.
Dear fatherless child who was once abused,
I know you were excited to see him. You were excited to finally be around him. You were excited to possibly have a real relationship with him. You thought about everything you guys would do. Go shopping. Go fishing. Take lots of pictures making funny faces. I know I was. I was 7 or 8 when I finally got the chance to get to spend time with my dad. When we left NY, my mom sent me and my oldest brother to live with my dad in a super small, country town in GA while she got everything in order in Atlanta. I remember hating the dirt roads and how hot it was but being excited about staying with him. I always wanted to be daddy’s little princess so I was hyped! But when the abuse came, I was confused. He wanted me to play basketball and I wanted to cheer. I got beat for it. He wanted me to take pills for something, but I didn’t know how to swallow pills. I got beat for it. I would fall asleep in the backseat of the car and as soon as he touched me to wake me up, I jumped. I was living in fear at 7 years old. My mom would come down and visit us and we would never tell her. Then one time she came and she sensed something was wrong. She got it out of us and we left the same day. The next time I seen him I was 3 weeks shy of 18 years old, laying in a hospital bed because my oldest brother tried to kill me. Of course I blamed my dad. But dear fatherless child, forgive him. Not for him but for you. Live peacefully and gracefully. You’ve dealt with enough pain.
Dear fatherless child,
Your strength cannot be matched. Your spirit has not been broken. Your love cannot be matched. You still yearn for him to be in your life, I know. You still yearn for a solid relationship because your life’s puzzle would finally be complete. You still yearn for him to be there just to see how it feels. Just to see how life is when that void is filled. But like a relationship, you can’t force anyone to be who you want them to be. You can’t force anyone to see your worth and you can’t allow people to walk in and out of your life, lie to you, and let you down. Father or no father, you are in control of your own life. You are in control of your own emotions. You are in control of your own destiny. You can either let this break you down, or use it to accomplish things that will make him wish he would’ve been a better man. Through the let downs, disappointments, and even abuse. YOU ARE STILL STANDING. Know who you are before you allow anyone or any situation to determine it for you. But dear fatherless child, if you’ve been waiting to hear it – I am proud of you. I believe in you. I am rooting for you.
Thanks for reading! I didn’t plan on posting today but healing others in my writing helps me heal too. Stay tuned for my first blog series; tonight I’ll be posting part one of Confusion and Other Drugs 8pm EST.